With the Christmas approaching, it’s common to feel a heightened intensity of emotions—like our inner world is under a magnifying glass. Longings for connection, fears of failure, memories of disappointments, and hopeful plans for the future seem to come alive, vying for our attention. This intensification is a call to awareness—an invitation to notice, accept, and engage with our lived experience in the present moment.
But for many, this invitation is difficult to accept. Instead, we strive for the perfect Christmas—one filled with magical moments, blissful connection, and idealised harmony. This drive for perfection often serves as a form of self-regulation, a way to soothe the discomfort that arises when we feel the fullness of our unmet needs or unprocessed emotions.
Yet, beneath the sparkle, there’s a quieter, often unspoken truth: no Christmas, no matter how perfectly orchestrated, can resolve deeper emotional pain. And when the glitter settles after the New Year, many are left facing a familiar low—financial strain, exhaustion, and the sting of unmet expectations.
A Real-Life Struggle
Take the example of Sarah and James, a couple with two young children. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, their days are packed with shopping for gifts, attending school plays, decorating the house, and hosting family dinners. Sarah spends hours planning menus and creating festive activities to ensure the children have a magical time. James, feeling the financial strain, works extra hours to cover the mounting expenses.
In their busyness, they barely speak beyond logistical exchanges: “Did you pick up the tree?” “Don’t forget the biscuits for the school party.” Their evenings are a blur of exhaustion, with no time to connect or reflect on what either of them truly needs.
Underneath the surface, Sarah feels unacknowledged for the effort she’s putting in. She longs for James to notice her hard work and offer a word of appreciation. Meanwhile, James feels overwhelmed and distant, wishing for some quiet time to decompress but afraid of letting Sarah down.
By the time Christmas morning arrives, tensions simmer just below the surface. When the children’s excitement fades, and the house is in chaos, Sarah and James find themselves snapping at each other over trivialities, feeling more disconnected than ever. The idealised Christmas they worked so hard to create feels hollow, leaving both wondering what went wrong.
Awareness as the First Step
The unmet needs in Sarah and James’s dynamic stem from a lack of awareness and presence. Both are so focused on external expectations—creating a perfect Christmas—that they lose touch with their inner worlds and each other.
If Sarah and James could pause amid their busyness, they might notice the underlying emotions driving their actions. Sarah might recognise her need for acknowledgment and connection, while James might realise his need for rest and space. Communicating these needs openly, even in small moments, could transform their experience.
Awareness is the key to transformation. Christmas provides a unique opportunity to notice what arises within us—both the joy and the discomfort. Instead of striving to escape difficult feelings through perfectionism, what would it be like to turn toward those feelings with curiosity and compassion?
This practice begins with grounding in the present moment. Can you pause and notice the sensations in your body as you anticipate the holidays? Are there tightness, tension, or warmth? What thoughts or emotions arise when you consider your hopes for Christmas?
Through this awareness, you might discover unmet needs or patterns that guide your holiday experience. Perhaps a longing for closeness with loved ones leads to over-scheduling social events, leaving little room for rest. Or maybe a fear of disappointment drives you to overspend, hoping gifts will create connection or joy.
Moving Towards Connection
How about stepping out of autopilot and into the present moment, even during the busiest times? For Sarah and James, this might mean carving out ten minutes at the end of the day to check in with each other: “How are you feeling right now?” or “What’s been the hardest part of today?” Small acts of awareness and connection can create a ripple effect, easing tension and fostering a sense of partnership.
The Christmas season, in all its intensity, is an opportunity to deepen our connection with ourselves and those we care about. By stepping away from the illusion of perfection and embracing the present moment, we make space for a more authentic and fulfilling experience—one that honours the complexities of being human.
Embracing Imperfection
No holiday will ever be flawless, and that’s okay. By letting go of the illusion of perfection, families like Sarah and James can create space for authentic moments—imperfect but real. A burnt pie or a forgotten gift becomes less of a crisis when there’s room for humour, compassion, and genuine connection.
Our collective fantasy of a “perfect Christmas” often masks the vulnerability that comes with being human. The media, social narratives, and even family traditions can create an image of Christmas that is unattainable. How about challenging these narratives and embracing the truth of our experience as it is, not as we wish it to be?
By acknowledging the gap between the ideal and reality, we can begin to release the pressure to “get it right.” This doesn’t mean abandoning the hope for joy or connection—it means making space for both the magic and the mess of the season.
A Therapist’s Tips for the Season
Practice Present-Moment Awareness
Take moments to pause throughout the holiday season. Notice your breath, your emotions, and your surroundings. What do you feel? What do you need in that moment?
Honour Your Needs
Instead of striving for perfection, ask yourself what you genuinely need this season. Is it rest, connection, or time alone? Can you advocate for those needs with compassion?
Embrace Imperfection
Allow space for things to not go as planned. A burnt dish, a cancelled event, or a messy conversation doesn’t have to ruin the holiday—it can be an opportunity to connect with what’s real and meaningful.
Reflect on What Matters Most
Consider what you value most about Christmas. Is it presence over presents? Authentic connection over curated experiences? Align your actions with those values.
P.S...
The magnifying glass of Christmas, while intense, offers a unique opportunity to see our emotions, needs, and relationships with greater clarity. When we hold this lens with love and compassion, it becomes a tool for connection—first with ourselves, and then with others.
By embracing imperfections and turning toward our inner experiences with kindness, we can create space for authentic moments of joy and understanding. This Christmas, may you find the courage to set down the weight of perfection and instead hold yourself and your loved ones with care, presence, and grace.
Have a wonderful Christmas, everyone! 🌟
Author:
Aneta Gawin
December 2024
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