Feeling nothing, unable to cry, unable to truly comprehend what has happened. Grief often begins in a state of shock, as if watching a distant scene unfold on a flat screen. “Tell me it’s not real; this didn’t happen,” I remember thinking. “Is this a bad joke? This can’t be real!” These were my first thoughts when I learned of the sudden death of someone I once loved.
I found myself checking their Facebook, looking through photographs, even feeling the urge to message them. Rationally, I knew there was no point, yet I couldn’t resist. This urge to connect, even though we know they’re gone, is a characteristic part of the denial stage. I would catch myself wanting to share a story they would have enjoyed, only to be struck by the reality that we’d never share anything again. It’s also common to feel their presence lingering as if they’re still with us. In denial, anger, sorrow, regret, or guilt may also rise unexpectedly.
Understanding the Grief Model
The five stages of grief were first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Originally developed to describe the experience of people facing terminal illnesses, the five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – provide a framework to understand how we process loss. However, grief is far from a linear process. People move through these stages in different orders, at their own pace, and may not experience each stage. Grieving is a deeply personal experience.
What Role Does Denial Play in Grief?
Denial is the stage in which we shield ourselves from the full force of the loss. This defense mechanism isn’t about lacking understanding but rather about buying time. Denial gives us a chance to stabilize and prepare ourselves for the journey ahead before facing the new reality. Though it can feel unsettling, denial is part of our natural healing process, offering a temporary buffer to help ease into the pain.
What Kinds of Losses Can Cause Grief?
People may grieve any significant loss. Here are just a few examples:
The death of a loved one (also known as bereavement)
A breakup or divorce
Receiving a serious or terminal diagnosis
The loss of good health
Miscarriage or infertility
The loss of a beloved pet
Grief can also arise in situations like:
Job changes or loss
Moving away from home
Children leaving home or other major life transitions
Seeking Support Through Grief
Grieving is natural, but sometimes, it can feel overwhelming. If grief prevents you from functioning for a prolonged period or feels harmful, support from a grief counselor can help you process and find acceptance. Talking about your loss, sharing your experience, and giving yourself time to grieve can be profoundly healing. Each of us processes loss differently, and that’s okay.
Author: Gosia Freese
November 2024
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